Hey Life, I Think I'm A Grown Up Now??

I recently turned 21- a big deal to those under the age of 21. I spent the subsequent months tossing back shots of freedom and regurgitating statements of independence. Legally, I can now do pretty much everything...with I think the exception of renting a car. The relationship between my parents and I has shifted from parent-child to friends. The only problem is that no one warned me about the downside of all this freedom. I am now solely responsible for every decision that I make. If for some reason I make a wrong one, the blame can only be placed on me (kind of a scary feeling). I have also felt a strange shift in my relationship with my Mom. What once was completely normal telling her everything and all the gory details, now seems that I should learn to keep some personal details to myself; to make my own decisions based only on my own perspectives. Feeling all that responsiblity has somehow lead to asking hundreds of opinions on any remotely big issue, which if you have ever done, is entirely paralyzing. In thinking about this the other day, it made me smile at the ironic nature of life. An event that one thinks will bring whole freedom can simultaneously bring more challenges and pressures. The transitional, even paradoxical nature of life helps to keep me smiling :)

Welcome Back to Civilization, Take a Rock

Ok, so I know it has been a long time since I have updated this. I keep telling people I'm "too busy"...in all actuality I am (extremely ironically) embodying a kindrid spirit from some book of the Bible in my efforts to hide from God. That, I may add, is a task that I'm not sure even James Bond could accomplish. Here's the deal my friends...I am at a total loss for what exactly I believe leading consequently to a rather poignant confusion as to esentially who I am, which kind of hinders the writing process. As you can see then, I have no deep or relatively unsolvable issues on my mind. I am currently a senior at Eastern University and until very recently was wholly unaware of exactly how little I know. Apparently I am graduating knowing way less than I did entering college. As a personal form of punishment, I voluntarily took a class called "Theology of Culture". This may sound like fun and games to the untrained eye, but I assure you that debating life and God with a bunch of b**s**ing youth ministry majors is about as enjoyable as having bamboo shoved under your nicely manicured fingernails. So picture this...it's the first day of class and we (we being 15 triple- major-biblical studies-youth ministry-theology boys and me, a Spanish major clad head to toe in pink) go around the room to say why we are taking the class. The other 15 answers sound something like "I am looking to expand my faith with the knowledge of our heavenly trinitarian God in a way that without this class I would have no possible way of obtaining, I have come to the conclusion that Eastern Orthodox is the supreme denomination, and I am yearning for someone with the vast knowledge that you, Professor Awesome, have to teach me about being a (I would use another word here) Christian". BLEH! Can we at least get some variety here, boys? Then there's me. My answer went something like "After almost 4 years at this school I'm tired of hearing the same trite b**s** in every class and I want some real answers. Oh, did I mention I am going through a crisis of faith and want all of you to stop lying and padding the answers and get me to actually believe in God with facts?". I'm pretty sure they were expecting my head to spin around after that. You could see them picking the stones up out of their bags to begin the process that, biblically, my reaction waranted. Welcome to day one of Theo337. Join us every Tuesday and Thursday for our new program "Who Gets to Stone the Heretic". No, just kidding...about that last part.
So there it is, all out and open. I am totally lost in my faith right now, which somehow, in some inexplicable way, leads me to also be entirely stranded in my writing. Nothing seems to fit what exactly I am feeling.
Next time though, things will be much lighter. I mean, anything has to be up from being the campus "atheist", right?

I'm In No Hurry

I feel my legs running.
But now I don't flee, I'm just free.
I hear my voice shouting.
But not out of fear, just so you can hear
my new song and see my new dance.
It is the song of a child:
laughter, joy, and peace.
It is the dance of a girl:
twirling, running, and release.
Somewhere in the ocean
or along the waves of the sea;
This is where you can find my new motion,
Where you can see me finally just be ME.

Meetings with my Savior

"Let Go"

I’ve been down roads no one should have to go.
I’ve made in others tears like a river flow.
Great has been my shame
And only I have been to blame.

Recognize.
Realize.
Apologize.
Then
Exercise the power of letting go.

I’ve learned which paths lead to tears.
I’ve built bridges over those rives to mend the years.
Birthed out of shame has been humility,
And a reason to yearn for accountability.

With every darkness comes a new light.
With every loss comes a new reason to continue the fight.
When in myself the depths of my depravity I see,
Only then can I begin to be set free.

Restoration

"Coming Home"

There was a soft glow coming from under the shallow crack between the end of the big oak door and the beginning of the blue tile floor. It had been a while since she ventured to the other side of that door. Not much remained to entice her, with the exception of a few tired pictures and one or two old pairs of shoes, still left next to the dresser by the closet. She just never felt the urge to open that door anymore. I suppose it would be better said that she was too ashamed to open that door again. Not after where she had been…
And now here she was, in a long-suppressed place thinking back on all the twists and turns she had taken in her path. But the door that stood before her like the ominous presence of an angry lover assured her that she hadn’t imagined it all. Taking one wary step forward, then another, and finally another until she stood squarely in the face of this solid oak division, she placed a firm hand on the doorknob and turned it cautiously. The creaking noise sent a violent chill down her spine; she released the knob immediately. It wasn’t the right time; she needed to do so much before she would be prepared to enter the room. And for what reason was she interested in forging back into that room anyway? Was it not simply a dark, cold room filled with musty air and the muffled cries of a shrieking heart? Somewhere within her, the light was speaking to her and whispering that things could be different. Dark rooms could become light and cold rooms become warm. But not on their own. So, who then, she wondered, was working in the other room?
After a few days the light seemed only to be growing stronger. Without hesitation she opened the door and confidently walked into the transformed room that still stood as an irrefutable symbol of moments past. She took in the scene around her, dizzy with both joy and pain. Everything seemed restored and refurbished; even the windows were clear and clean. But there was one element that caught her eye more than any of the others. There, in the middle of the room seemingly staring her in the face, was the stake in her heart. It looked more beautiful than she had ever remembered, with blue and gold sheets replacing the old ones. Light tears streamed down her face as she dropped humbly to her knees. In the weakness of her awe all she managed to mutter was “restore me”.

Poema en español

Last weekend my friends and I went to Granada. On the bus ride home I was reading a book for my lit class and was daydreaming about the characters in the story and their grand declarations of love to their "queridos" (loved ones). Then I was thinking about a kind of really profound love that I still have yet to experience. I decided to try to write a poem in Spanish trying to capture what I think that feeling would be like. I guess it´s the hopeless romantic in me :) Soooo here is the outcome of that thought.

"Un amor prfundo"

Estoy aquí,
muriendo sin tí.
No puedo negar más
que ahora sé cuanto me amas.
Y no puedo respirar,
como si mi corazón va a parar.
Eres lo único para mí
y quiero ser tuyo hasta el fin.
En el mundo, no hay suficiente años
para terminar el amor entre nosotros.
Te amo,
te amaré,
y nunca se acabo.

For those of you who do not speak this lovely language, here is a rough translation:

"A profound love"

I am here
dying without you.
I can´t deny anymore
that now I know how much you love me.
And I can´t breathe,
as if my heart is going to stop.
You are the only one for me
and I want to be yours until the end.
In the whole world there are not enough years
to end the love between us.
I love you,
I will love you,
and it will never end.

I couldn´t maintain the rhyme when I translated it, but that´s the rough idea :)

Bendita la luz

I was thinking today as I was cleaning my room in SPAIN (ahhhh!!) about the transformative powers of our Creator. The sun was shining through my open window illuminating the whole room and it made me think about the way that God, if we allow Him, at times illuminates our minds and souls. It can be similarly refreshing and comforting as when a cool breeze flows through the curtains and dances along with the rays of the sun.

“Renewal”
She is new; never been like this before.
There is a calm she can’t help but adore.
Strong, independent, daring;
Purposely she shows that she is caring.

She is out of the box; no one can put her back again.
There is color in her world that she has decided to let reign.
Laughter, smiles, gentle words;
These are the rulers of her world.

She has found her place; so long had she been searching.
There is comfort and tranquility in this place He is working.
Precious, beautiful, sacred;
Effortlessly these are the thoughts that fill her head.