Jesus Advisory

There really should be a warning outside of all churches: "Real devotion to God will rip your heart out of your chest and splatter it all over the ground". Then upon giving your life completely over to God, you will have at least been warned.

You know I was thinking, we sing these songs in church about "complete surrender" and "giving your will over to God" and "trusting and knowing". How in the world do we sing these songs so calmly?! How are we not running toward to doors everytime we sing those words?

I recently moved across the country to Texas. To a town in which I know no one. Well, almost no one. To a place in my life that is lonely every single day. To a place that literally feels like it's just me and God. How comfy, how cozy, right? No, how hellish. God is cool and all, but let's be honest. Trusting him with my EVERYTHING?? No way.

You see, I am an exceptionally relational person. My life is one big dance of relationships. And my favorite kind are the boyfriend-girlfriend kind. I can't wait to get married. I can't wait to commit to one person for the rest of my life. I can't wait, even after everyone telling me that it's the hardest thing you can ever do. And, ironically, the guy I thought I was going to marry is no longer my boyfriend. And you know what I have to do with that? TURN IT OVER TO GOD. That's pretty much the last thing I want to do. I want to fix it. I want to make it happen. I want CONTROL. I hate not knowing the future. But I did this silly little thing...I told God I would give Him all of me. And I meant it. Down to the one thing I cling to and run from whenever He asks for it- my relationships.

So here I am. In a place I don't know, with people I don't know, at a job I don't know how to do, and fighting everyday to not take control of it all. It's by far the hardest thing I have ever done. No one told me how gut-wrenching this would be. You know, I don't know what open-heart surgery without anesthesia feels like, but I'm betting this is close to it. Letting God rip out the desire, the need to control this relationship...learning to trust him, to SURRENDER to Him...I cry out everyday. I can't do this. This is beyond me. This hurts too damn much. The only thing that keeps me from slamming the door on Him and running the other way is a tiny hope that it will be worth it. I sure hope so.